I Wish I Wasn't
by Todokanunegai
Summary: YBxR Songfic. 'That’s why I wish I didn’t love you, Bakura. But I do so I have to pay the price for it – in tears' No abuse, just lots of angst. Shounenai and some OOCness. Complete


Dedications: To Rie-chan (aka Bringer of the Storm) for her birthday. Sorry this present is so late ;; Hope you enjoy it. And to LF-chan (aka LFangor), just because she loves Tendershipping so much and have encouraged me to write more after my Tendershipper. :glomps both: Thanks you two!

To readers of my Darkshipping and/or Prideshipping fics – Don't worry, they're still my favorites, and I have some Darkshipping along with Prideshipping fics in the works. - I'm just trying my hand at something new.

Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape or form own Yu-Gi-Oh thou I'd love to.

Warning: If you do not enjoy angst or shounen-ai, please leave right now, because I can tell you now, that this fic has both. More angst than shounen-ai, but that's not the point. Some OOCness as with all my other fics. Sorry ; Otherwise, enjoy and get your tissues ready (along with your mallets, you'll see why by the end.)

A/N: Bakura will occasionally be referred to as "Yami" in this fic because Yami Yuugi's not in this.

Key: … Song lyrics

"…" Speech

'…' Thought

I Wish I Wasn't

He could feel the weight on the bed shift as his companion got up.

"Ryou?" Hearing the soft whisper, he closed his eyes and remained perfectly still.

"Ryou? Are you awake?"

He gave no response, continuing to feign sleep.

His companion couldn't see that he was awake since Ryou's back was turned to him.

The room was still for a few moments, before the rustling of clothes interrupted the silence.

The drawer was opened and soon the soft scratching of a pen against paper could be heard.

Ryou remained silent as he heard the pen stop. He waited patiently for the click of the door closing. He heard it a minute later.

Quick, light footsteps could be heard walking down the staircase. The front door closed and locked.

Finally, Ryou opened his eyes again and slid off the bed.

He quickly walked over to the window and looked out. He had a perfect view of the streets, while the curtains hid him from those looking up.

Ryou saw the telltale silver hair and the lean figure of his Yami walking quickly down the driveway.

He was met on the sidewalk by a golden haired teen with lavender eyes. They shared a passionate kiss before hurrying down the street.

Ryou saw his Yami glance back at the house before increasing his pace. He still believed that Ryou was asleep and didn't realize that the teen had seen everything. He couldn't detect that Ryou was awake through their mind link because he had sealed his mind from Ryou's. He didn't know that Ryou had done the same, locking Bakura out of his mind.

Ryou stepped away from the window and turned to the slip of paper on his desk.

He didn't bother reading it; he already knew what it said. It said the same thing that it always did.

Ryou,

I'm going to be out for a while with some acquaintances. I'm not sure when I'll back, but don't wait up.

I'll call to check on you in a little bit. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me.

Bakura

The note was shredded and thrown carelessly into the wastebasket.

"Hanging out with your friends, huh, Bakura? How stupid do you think I am?"

The living room clock read 11:30pm. Ryou sat on the couch, looking blankly out the window.

He had been sitting there most of the day, only getting up to use the bathroom or to grab a sandwich from the refrigerator.

The caller ID showed that there had been only three phone calls. But not one of those calls was from Bakura.

When the phone had first ringed, he picked it up, expecting it to be Bakura. Instead, he got Yuugi asking him if he wanted to go to the arcade. Ryou politely declined, saying that he wasn't feeling too well and hung up on the tri-colored hair teen.

The second phone call was from his father, checking up on how he was. Ryou lied easily, telling his father that he was great and that he needn't worry. They chatted for a little bit before his father had to go.

By the third call, it was already early evening. Once again, it was Yuugi, asking Ryou if he wanted to go to the amusement park that Saturday. Ryou declined yet again, telling Yuugi that he had an important appointment that Saturday he couldn't miss. Yuugi sounded a little disappointed, but he said he understood and they hung up.

Now it was almost midnight, and yet Bakura had yet to call to check on him as he had said. It didn't come as a surprise for Ryou who'd been through this several times already.

"Damn it, Bakura. Where are you? Why didn't you answer your damn phone?"

Ryou had called Bakura's cell phone several times, each time ending up with the voice mail. He had finally given up after the seventh call didn't go through.

"Ignoring innocent little Ryou, aren't you, Yami? You're trying to keep your little infidelity a secret, hm? What would you say if you realized that I already know?"

His eyes roamed across the room, finally landing on a photograph of himself and Bakura.

It showed Ryou sitting on Bakura's lap as the Tomb Robber hugged him possessively.

He got up from the couch and walked over to the picture, picking it up off the mantle.

"What happened, Bakura? Was I not good enough for you? Too innocent? Too naïve? Did I get under your skin so much that you fear getting any closer? Or have you just been using me the entire time?" His hand traced over their faces in the photo.

Why hadn't he noticed it before? In the photo, his eyes were the only pair that shown with love. Bakura's eyes were distant, aloof.

The picture clattered as it hit the bottom of the wastebasket.

"This would never have happened if I never got the Sennen Ring. Why did I get this cursed thing?" Ryou touched the gold Ring hanging around his neck. "Why? Do the Gods enjoy causing me so much misery?"

Ryou sighed, biting his lips to hold back his tears, "I wish we never met, Bakura. I wish that I never fell for you so I would never have to experience this pain and betrayal. Why did you have to come into my life? Why? Sometimes I wish…"

"…I wish that I wasn't so in love with you. If I weren't, I would not be feeling like my heart is being torn into pieces." Ryou closed his eyes and lay down on the couch. "Don't I mean anything to you Yami? Do you not care at all?"

A cold, bitter laugh bubbled uncharacteristically from Ryou's throat. "Why do I even bother trying? Hoping that maybe, just maybe, you will change even when I know deep down that you won't? I don't know why I bother; yet, I do. I love you. That's why I can't give up on you even though you've hurt me so much. I only wish you'd see that…"

-Flashback-

"Go." A slender finger was pointed at the door.

"Ryou, let me explain."

"No. Leave. Now." Ryou stared out the window, refusing to look at Bakura.

"Ryou, look at me."

"I've had it, Bakura. Now go, before I call the police and have you manually removed." His voice wavered slightly, but remained firm.

"I'll go."

"Good."

Ryou waited for the sound of the door closing behind Bakura, but heard nothing.

"Why haven't you left?"

"I'll leave if that's what you want. But I'm not stepping out that door until you look at me."

Ryou turned around, glaring at Bakura. "I'm looking at you, now, leave!"

Instead of heading toward the door, Bakura walked over to Ryou, wrapping an arm around the smaller male. "Ryou, I'm sorry."

"No you're not, Bakura. You never were, you never have been." Ryou tried to push Bakura away but his attempts were fruitless.

Bakura gently lifted Ryou's chin and kiss him.

'No. No. Not again.' But it was too late. The kiss turned his knees to mush.

Pulling away slightly, Bakura whispered an apology, "I'm sorry, forgive me, Ryou. Please, I promised I'd never hurt you again."

'Don't. You'll only get hurt more.' Ryou felt himself nod slowly. 'I can't turn away from him.'

"Thank you." Bakura smiled before capturing Ryou's lips again.

'Don't make me regret this, Bakura. Please.'

-End Flashback-

"Why, Bakura? Why did you break your promise…again? Why did you use my heart against me?"

"Maybe it was my fault. I should have known better. I shouldn't have been so weak. I shouldn't have let myself give in to you."

Ryou's thoughts were cut short when he heard the door open and someone walking in quietly.

The door was shut gently and footsteps could be heard heading for the staircase.

As Bakura walked past the living room to the stair, Ryou stopped him, "You're back."

Bakura jolted and pivoted until he saw his light. "Ryou. What are you doing up?"

"Take a guess, why don't you, Bakura?" Ryou stared out the window, his voice blank, betraying nothing.

Before Bakura could answer, Ryou spoke again, "Can you believe that I was wishing that you'd be back soon and hold me and make me feel safe? Because I can't. Part of me still loves you. Part of me wished that I had never met you. That's why I'm puzzled at why I'm still letting you stay."

"Ryou, you don't mean that…"

"But I do, Bakura, but I do."

"Ryou, you don't underst-"

"No Bakura, not again. This time I've learned my lesson. I'm tired of being treated like a toy you play with when you feel like it and then thrown carelessly aside when you get bored. It's not necessary for you to lie; I know what you've been doing. I also know that I deserve better, much better." Ryou finally turned to Bakura with a hard gaze. "I'm better off without you."

"I love you, Ryou. You're the only person I've ever really cared about."

Ryou laughed, "That's funny, Bakura. That's very funny."

"But I'm telling the truth."

"No you're not. Because if you do, then you wouldn't be running around with Malik." A shocked looked appeared on Bakura's face, causing Ryou to smile grimly, "Yes Bakura. I do know. I know that you've been seeing Malik."

"There must be a mistake." Bakura knew it was futile to lie, but tried anyway.

"Really? My eyes must have deceived me this morning, then."

"You, you saw?" It took a minute before Bakura realized that he had just inadvertently proved Ryou right.

The white haired teen smirked, "Tsk, tsk, Bakura. You just caught yourself in your own lie. I would've thought an experienced Thief like you would know better. But I guess not."

"I'm not lying, Ryou. Listen to me…"

"I've listened to you. And look what good it did me. If you had bother to honor your promises, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now." A sad smiled crossed his face. "I've put up with your infidelity, forgave you every single time. Why? Because somehow, I manage to convince myself, time after time that you would change. What a fool I was."

"I have changed."

Ryou shook his head, "No. You haven't changed, Yami. You're still the same. But it's not your fault completely; I'm also to blame in part. I forgave too easily, too hastily. Each time, I did it in hopes that you'd care more. That you'd cherish me, love me as I love you. It never happened, not unless you wanted sex. That was the only time you were loving and considerate. Otherwise, I was ignored, left behind every time you'd be out with your "acquaintances". I was left to worry, even though I knew it didn't make a difference to you."

"That's not true, Ryou. I love you, I really do. I haven't treated you the way you deserve, but please, forgive me this one last time." Bakura tried making eye contact with Ryou then turned to the window, "I promise I'll never be unfaithful again. I'll do whatever I can to make up for the way I've treated you."

Ryou spun around, his eyes blazing, "You promise?"

Bakura nodded.

"I'm sick and tired of you promises! You've proved the saying "promises are meant to be broken" one time too many. It took me so long, but I've finally realized something. Can you guess what it is?"

All Bakura could do was shake his head. It was not good to argue when his normally composed hikari was angry.

"I just realized that I don't need you. I don't want anything to do with you. I want you to leave. Go back to Egypt, to your homeland. Because you're no longer welcomed here."

"Ryou, be reasonable…"

"I _am_ being reasonable, Yami. Very reasonable. Please, don't tell me the King of Thieves is going to beg his little weakling hikari to let him stay." Ryou mocked.

Bakura's eyes flashed, "I beg for nothing!"

"Then what have you been doing for the last half hour?"

Silence confirmed Ryou's point. He slipped the Sennen Ring off his neck and threw it at Bakura, who barely caught it. "I no longer have anything to do with you, so I no longer need this. You can give it to whomever you want. Maybe Malik? Well, whoever it is, I know one thing. It's not going to be me."

His tone was taunting, almost cruel.

"Listen here, hikari, we're too halves of a whole. You can't get rid of me that easily." Bakura snapped coldly, covering up his urge to plead with Ryou.

"Two halves can survive without each other, Yami. Plenty of people do it everyday; they walk around without their other half. I'm sure I'll be able to live without you just fine. We part ways here and now. You go your way, to Malik, and I go mine."

Bakura glared, "Malik means nothing to me, haven't you realized that yet underneath all your jealousy?"

"So, you're using Malik also. How kind of you, Bakura. Wonder what dear Malik's going to say when he finds out? But it's none of my business, that's between you and him. Not that it matters, but for the record, I'm not jealous of him, nor will I ever be. Now, leave my house, get off my property."

"No, I ref-"

"You have no choice," Ryou replied icily. "I will get the proper authorities to remove you if needed. I suggest you do it the easy way, and leave voluntarily. But we can always do it the hard way and have you forcibly removed. Or I can call Yami Yuugi."

Bakura growled, " I will _not_ stand for the Pharaoh meddling in my business."

"Then I guess you'll be leaving voluntarily."

Bakura walked to the hall, but before he left, he looked at Ryou, "We _will_ see each other again."

"Not likely," Ryou replied dryly.

He walked the rest of the way down the hall. The door opened and then slammed shut. He was gone.

Ryou watched Bakura walk down the drive, moonlight gleaming on his silver hair, "You gave me no choice Bakura. You've hurt me too much, pushed me one time too many. It's better for the both of us."

Ryou walked up the stairs to his room.

He laid down on the bed, letting the loneliness of being in it by himself wash over him, as he had done on many other nights.

A pillow was gripped tightly in his arms, his only comfort as he shed the tears he had held back.

"A week already. Has it really been that long?"

Ryou stared out the window, letting his dinner go cold. 'Don't think about him, Ryou. You're through with him. You don't need him. Not now, not ever.'

He nodded, "I can't let myself think about him. What's passed is passed. I have to move on."

He was snapped out of his trancelike state when he caught a familiar frame walking down up to the house. One with silver colored hair and dark brown eyes.

Ryou blinked, "No, it can't be. I'm just seeing things. Of course, I was just hallucinating. Bakura wouldn't be here."

But no matter how he tried, he knew, he was _not_ seeing things.

The knock on the door confirmed that Bakura was indeed there.

'Don't open the door; don't let him into your life again. If you do, you might never be able to rid yourself of him again.'

Even as the warning played in his head, his feet were walking to the front door.

Ryou opened the door, despite his mind's opposition.

The first sight he saw was the bouquet of white roses in Bakura's hand.

White roses. He loved white roses. They were so pure, so innocent. Just like him.

At least before, he met Bakura.

White roses. Their purity and innocence can so easily be tainted.

Just like he had been.

It was ironic how he and his favorite flower were so similar.

"These are for you."

Ryou looked up, finally acknowledging Bakura.

"No. Not again."

"Please, Ryou. Let me back in. I love you. I need and want you in my life." His eyes shown with sincerity.

Ryou looked down once again at the roses.

He shakily raised a hand to take the roses.

His mind screamed at him to not take the roses, to not let Bakura in once more.

Ryou knew, the moment his hands touched the bouquet, that he had given in like the many other times.

Once again, his heart had trapped him.

Sent him on a never ending ride that he knew would be full of pain, hurt, tears and many lonely nights.

He had gotten off the ride once, but now he was back, and he didn't know if he would be able to get off this time.

"Come in." As the words left his lips, Ryou knew there was no going back now.

Bakura stepped into the house, closing the door behind him.

Ryou set the roses down on the hall table and turned to Bakura.

He allowed Bakura to slip the Sennen Ring over his head, and felt the cold metal on his skin as it rested against his thin shirt.

Ryou looked up at Bakura, waiting for him to make a move.

And make a move Bakura did, ravishing Ryou's lips hungrily. A hand traveled down his side and Bakura's lips moved to his throat, biting and nipping.

Ryou moaned softly, and opened his eyes.

His reflection stared sadly back at him in the hall mirror, a question clear in it's eyes. 'Why go through this again?'

'I'm sorry.' Ryou silently apologized, 'I love him too much to ever be able to free myself completely of him.'

Ryou shut his eyes again, no longer able to meet his own questioning gaze in the mirror

A tear slipped from Ryou's eyes and down his cheek, going unnoticed by the preoccupied Bakura.

'Here I go again. Giving myself to the hurt just so I can feel your touch, lose myself in your arm and to feel protected when I'm with you. I'm willing to hurt for the rest of my life just to have a few precious memories to hold onto when you're with Malik and I'm alone. Because I love you. I love you so damn much. That's why I wish I didn't love you, Bakura. But I do so I have to pay the price for it – in tears.'

Owari

Whee…another Tendershipper completed. Aren't you proud of me, Rie? LF?

Hope that wasn't too bad or mind scarring for anyone.

Now do you know why I asked you to have your mallets ready?

:points: By the way, Bakura's over there :points to Bakura bound and gagged: He's all yours

Review, onegai!

Todokanunegai 8-31-03


End file.
